The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
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I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*