If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
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My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Covid like
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.