Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
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Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
oh my god
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.