Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
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don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
*jazz hands*
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.