Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
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BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Snapes on a plane.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
He’s cranky this morning
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head