Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
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Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Why is everyone getting married at me
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out