Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
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Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
No Google it does not
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
My first son he is wonderful
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
NASA has no chill
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.