I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
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I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children