*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
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Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.