Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
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“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Poetry is my passion
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
those birds must be on payroll
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU