The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
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*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Bike for sale
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.