[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
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me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I never needed anything more in my life