Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
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After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.