βπ½
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I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. weβre ready.
HAVING KIDS
β’ expensive & boring
β’ they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
β’ cheap & exciting
β’ they will bring you gifts
β’ there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
There are no pants in heaven.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I canβt trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
don’t we all