Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
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If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
So creative 😂
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.