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When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.