I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
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To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Warm pools make me nervous.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?