*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
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As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.