Doug is just Canadian for dog
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family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”