(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
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(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
What is going on? 😅
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
This meeting could have been a cake
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.