My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
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Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.