“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
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Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee