Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
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me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
This anagram machine is out of order.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk