By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
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The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I hope they boil the right one.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”