Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
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I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?