But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
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Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
the noise i just made
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?