We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
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my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”