‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
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BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
“OMGJK” -atheists
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.