Me when I wear 4 inch heels
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My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Bringing home a sharpie
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
girls literally only want one thing..
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.