The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
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wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
quarantine day 3
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I am patiently waiting for your email
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys