If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
You Might Also Like
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*