Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
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My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
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