REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
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Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
love it when they get my name right
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I feel seen.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice