Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
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Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
“We will wed,” I threatened
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I’d hang this in my house.
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I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes