I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
You Might Also Like
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she鈥檚 a keeper.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don鈥檛 like peanut butter anymore.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
What if deer stare at our headlights because they鈥檙e trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I don鈥檛 understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i鈥檓 giving more than i take. i鈥檓 generous.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Me too 馃槅
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn鈥檛 have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you鈥檙e looking for an IT guy.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.