Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
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Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
#Thanos #MondayMood
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.