My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
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Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.