Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
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[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
The USS B port
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now