Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
You Might Also Like
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.