I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
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Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
necessity is the mother of invention
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.