SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
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Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free