If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
You Might Also Like
My work here is don’t.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome