Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
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VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
me when the borders lift
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*