OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
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My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
i made a craigslist ad !
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
you have three unread messages
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.