A ghost story
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“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
New mindset, who dis?
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’