When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
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Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Snapes on a plane.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
spicy snake
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
this chia pet tastes awful
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods