I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
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Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”