I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
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*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.