God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
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HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I hope this email finds you in a well
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.