*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
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The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
how much does a mortician urn in a year
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
same energy
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]